Highlights of my year
By Elizabeth Swan on
I’m not much for the police. If you are in this industry long enough you either have negative experiences with the plod yourself or you know other women who have. I knew a man once who was a career criminal. Though to be fair it wasn’t a great career as he kept getting caught. Anyway, years ago he said to me that I would be a great police officer “as you have such a sense of justice and ethics. Of what is right and wrong. The problem being you would be the only one in your station who was like that!”
Fast forward a few years and there I am, doing a pub quiz on a table filled with coppers. Don’t ask me how, my life has more twists and turns than a novel sometimes. Anyway one of them was raising money for an animal charity. “Would you mind selling raffle tickets for me?” So there I go, from table to table, collecting lots of money.
Now my customer service is shite, as many of my clients know, and my maths skills are even worse. I was on table two before I got patronised by a berk who looked like a geography teacher, “I gave you ten pounds. The ticket is two so that’s eight pounds change you owe me,” he said smugly and so I said, “I had no idea! How wonderfully fortunate I am to be helped by such a clever man!” and his smirk slid off his face as I went to the next table.
I collected quite a lot of money for the charity though and even better we beat the patronising twit’s table in the quiz. A surprising and good night.
Birds
I am a sucker for an animal story so when I heard that a rescue quail was going to freeze last winter I took him in. The woman, (the same copper, see above) told me that they live for a year so I wouldn’t be looking after him for that long. NEVER BELIEVE A COPPER! Seven bloody years they live for! Not only that I then ended up with five more. That’s six birds to the delight of one of my cats who sits on top of their hutch and watches them from above like King Kong.
Sessions
I worked more in 2025 and it was great to be back. I have reconnected with some old subs and I found three new dungeons I like and am working from each of them. House Du Croix in Bristol, Bayswater Dungeon Suite in London and The Facility in Walsall. Occasionally I toy with having my own place again, but if I did, I couldn’t travel as much. And I love to travel, though I wish I was in first class. It’s difficult to write porn in second class as there is always some bugger sitting next to you.
I also met some great new subs. One is Donkey man, he knows who he is! Another I wrestle and smother whilst he flaps around under me like a dying fish. Trying in vain to get out from under me, but I’m fairly strong and he is, well, a librarian. (Or something like that.) I like him though. He usually brings me champers which I drink whilst he drinks my pee.
Then there was the session where the man was possibly the most attractive man I have ever seen in real life. I don’t like pretty boys, I never have. I like men grizzled and stubbly with a few extra inches on their waist, but this guy was fucking beautiful and half my age. That was a tricky humiliation session I can tell you. It’s like when you do small penis humiliation with a man who has nine inches. Even my acting skills struggle.
All in all it was a fun year work wise. I’m looking forward to seeing what 2026 brings me.
Elizabeth Swan